The other day I laid an egg. An egg rather pretty, brown, slightly speckled with red, perfectly smooth and regular. An egg like any other egg. Finally, what an egg.
It was out two weeks I was feeling a little bloated - what I put into the account of chronic constipation, sore but oh so little literary common among the female population. Bread, laxatives, various remedies; my transit improved, my discomfort persisted. Like a little ball of chewing gum stuck to the intestinal wall, egg, he prospered.
Now that I think, luckily I could catch it in time. I still feel some responsibility towards him, he would have been a pity he foolishly perish at the bottom of the bowl of the toilet. Mostly it seems to me that our species, lay eggs is not an act so commonplace. You tell me, there are eggs. A healthy female lays one egg every 28 days. Finally, lays ... That's all much like an egg, except that it does not come out. And above all, an egg, it does not brood.
Because the problem is there. I talked to Peter, of course, and the first surprise, we agreed on one point: we will have this egg hatching. I look good, well, after narrowly drafted to let him die like that without a little attention, without even an effort to make it bloom!
The trouble is that neither Peter nor I have time to hatch an egg. I inquired: incubation, it can be long. Especially that, I suppose, the incubation of a human egg has to have some similarities with pregnancy in utero. I guess it is fine to have at least two or three months to give it something. Where? Peter and I are working on. Even taking turns, I can not see us succeed in maintaining a regular breeding for three months.
And then will add details idiots, who can all put down in less than two. How hatching? Should we sit on it? Do not we risk so the crush? At what temperature should you keep? How to recognize warning signs of the outbreak? A real Chinese puzzle
... My mother has found a temporary solution: the incubator. Just find an incubator, set to arrive in about 37 degrees - that the temperature inside the human body, so it should go, and wait. No need for constant presence, no fear of breakage ... the perfect nanny somehow. Unless an incubator, it is not the Samaritan. Then we have our minds to turn to the medical profession.
Meanwhile, I put the egg in a kettle.
This idiot doctor has put five minutes before realizing the problem. It took him Prosper show - yes, I gave him a name. My mother did say it was bad luck before birth (sorry, the outbreak), but I do not know why I had before baptizing very difficult to attach myself. Since I can call, I'm already much more maternal with him - in short, it took me to get out of its bag for Prosper to consent to stop saying, laughing: "you do not like omelets? Peter, who is a lawyer, he noted that he had no right to refuse a patient - in this case, me - until you have at least listened. The doctor took us for two crazy and he wanted us out, when I suggested a simple solution.
"Get a radio in my gut: spawning has certainly left scars that prove that Prosper is my egg" - Freudian slip: I almost said my son. And I asked myself: If it was a girl? Will I have to find a new name? Well, we'll see on ultrasound.
The idea was chosen: here I am on the radiologist's table, held his stomach with both hands to force laughing. It annoys me, I feel it bothers me. I'll finish it by sticking a slap, it will pass the urge to cackle at that idiot!
No, sir, is not that the chickens that lay eggs!!
I was right, there is a problem with my intestines. The whole team is piously Obstetrics examined my radio, silence itself is religious. Dr. feverishly wipes his glasses with the hem of her gown; internal guard eat his pencil, and fewer of the radiologist.
"You've never done more tests? You are followed by a gynecologist? "
what he thinks? I'm a big girl for almost fifteen years. I too, like all my buddies, was initiated into the joys of smears and breast kneading. But no, everything has always been normal, thank you.
"In fact, it's true that your doctor could not notice anything, you have an anomaly very discreet, but ... It's amazing, I do not think you ever seen anything like it. "
Well, he'll drop his scoop? What is the info on my uterus that kills?
"In reality, you'll laugh (I m'esclaffe already), your uterus and your gut com-mu-they communicate! There is a kind of small airlock that connects them, and ... The egg must have developed there, before leaving through natural when it became too big. Your egg is in fact exactly like a hen's egg, an egg that has hardened. "They watch me all
like a Zara sweater one day sales. I do not like the greedy glimmer in the depths of their eyes.
Peter brings them back to earth, far from their dreams of vivisection.
"Well, actually, what can you do? You lend an incubator? "
Not only do they lend it to us, but I believe we have solved our problem ... It definitely keeps the party for a breeding season in hospital.
Prosper grows constantly. He has a scarf and a hat for premature keep warm, and since I've drawn him a smile, he seems at ease in the artificial light of the incubator.
So on purely medical, everything is going pretty well. After some hesitation, the temperature was set at 38 degrees 5 - it would seem that an egg may need more heat than a normal human being. The incubator is reinforced plastic, Prosper is well protected. The neonatal nurses at the center have been very few days to get used to, but they are very professional, she spoke and handle like other babies. There are many one who told me the first time with a sigh: "My poor child! "But before my bewildered air, she realized that I was quite happy to replace nine months pregnant with a brooding remotely without any hassle or discomfort. Since then, I discern instead a touch of envy in her eyes, she gave birth three times ...
But already, that, that I have a real problem. Even if I head to the girls who are pregnant and nausea and freak out like crazy before the episiotomy, I confess that I ask myself some questions. Am I a real woman, I have not heard the agony of the stirrups? Will I be a mother? Prosper will be there my child or that of the incubator? Will it be like ducklings, following the first one they perceive to be out of the egg? In fact, if he says mom to monitoring, it will annoy me a tad ...
And amidst all these existential questions, I have hit the media, such as African locusts on the field. I thought it would leak, despite assurances from the director of the hospital and from there to see Prosper make the cover of Paris Match!
"A human egg at the Salpetriere! Exclusive: Confessions of the hen-wife! "I had to swear to my mother that I had not told this guy she did eat corn with my brothers and me. Since the solicitations have not stopped, I put dark glasses on Prosper. Same interview I was offered to pose nude, but they were disappointed to see that I had no tail.
Finally, despite the absence of pregnancy, I feel very tired. Can we make an egg-blues?
I was contacted by the chairman of the National Ethics Committee. It seems they want to do a session on my case, which raised "questions of new and fascinating to the human spirit. "I worry a little.
I had reason to worry. Basically, if I followed everything - and given the jargon used by these brave people is not won - the question is what will do in a lot of situations I had never considered, but now will prevent me from sleeping until they hatch. Prosper is it humane, he who was not born in the usual way? Whoever Prosper break by accident or not he would commit murder? If other situations arise, he will spread the use of the incubator, or attempt to reintroduce the egg in the uterus so that the child is born "more natural"? Should we detect at birth in girls the anomaly in my guts? This anomaly may justify a therapeutic abortion? The
oviparity Is the solution for some infertile couples ?!!!!
We swim in delirium, there. I have not chosen to be oviparous! And anyway, the longer it goes, the more I find it very well. First, because it lets me work until birth without asking any questions. Secondly, because if I did not want to keep Prosper, I could have simply let it fall into the bowl, and it was done. I think what bothers these people, they will confess and certainly not is that I'm probably the first woman to expect a baby without it changes more than that my life without it makes me sick, without any upheaval. The hen, she will fuck, because she has nothing of a mater dolorosa ... It seems that the Vatican j'inquiète. Will I be excommunicated?
He moved!! That's today! Four months and dust ... The egg is as big as a watermelon. Peter bought a camcorder for the occasion. I wonder how he goes out, I hope he does not spout.
The outbreak was a success. But Pierre is a little disappointed, a shell was stuck on the lens, the film is partially obscured. Finally, it is clear Prosper went out of its shell by typing with his skull. He has a small bump on the top of the head, the doctor thinks it will go away. Otherwise, tough luck, it will give him the air of an intellectual high brow.
Finally, everyone is reassured: Prosper is a normal baby, with everything you need where you need it. The radiologist wanted to pass it to the pot - so to speak - to check status its viscera, and he obviously does not keep her mother on that front. Finally, as I pointed out to nurses who have a good laugh, because it's a boy, otherwise I would have a bit surprised.
Obviously, I do not have masses of milk, but good, the formula is not for dogs. My little chick did not look at all traumatized by his funny production, and as I have no pound to lose, I think in terms of the mood of the mother, everybody wins.
The only problem will be to keep some anonymity, I think we will move.
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